Pairing: Elijah Wood / Billy Boyd - LOTR RPS
Date: December 24, 2004
Feedback: yes please! also constructive criticism of any kind.
Disclaimer: not true, I made it up
Archive: yes, go ahead, but let me know
Notes: A short excursion into fluffy slash for
for the slashababy 2004 Secret Slasha challenge. Many thanks to almostnever and kyuuketsukirui for quick late-night betas.
WARNING: this story may have explicit depictions of sex between men and women, men and men, and/or women and women.
If you are offended by erotica, explicit sex, or gay porn, please go elsewhere.
It is LOTR RPS -- it uses the names of real people involved in making the Lord of the Rings movies.
This story is not true. I made it up.
Even when Elijah stops for a while, he knows he looks like hell. And he's not supposed to: they're shooting happy Hobbiton scenes.
Everyone's worried about him, because the hiccups started on the flight back from Christmas break and they haven't stopped for more than a few hours since. Hard as hell to get a good rest: he wakes up every time they start again.
Sean reads from the computer screen "Hiccups appear to serve no purpose in humans or other mammals." It turns out that hiccups, along with yawning, are still quite a mystery to science.
Elijah feels kinda guilty, because he's pretty sure it was that going-away blowout in LA that tripped it. That's one of the leading causes: too much alcohol. Sean told him that. Also, Sean reports: some pig farmer had intractable hiccups for, like, sixty-five years. That's not so bad around pigs, but it would certainly screw up an acting career.
Everyone has a solution. Elijah tries:
- at least twenty gallons of water, drunk in various ways
- jumping jacks
- biting lemons
- spoonfulls of sugar, which is gross: from now on, his coffee is black
- hanging upside down
- breathing into a paper bag
- four kinds of medication, all of which make him feel like he's underwater and/or about to barf
- ginger ale
- letting the medics shove (sterilized) instruments up his nose
Elijah's learning to sit with his back to the wall. Especially when talking to Billy, who can keep a straight face no matter who is sneaking, ready to pounce and scare the hiccups out of Elijah. Dom finds this endlessly amusing. Elijah actually wouldn't mind if it just fucking worked. He spends a lot more time hanging with Orlando, who has the world's worst poker face and can be counted on to give him plenty of warning.
Elijah's trying to sleep, but the fucking hiccups keep coming back. He hurts, he doesn't think he's ever been so tired; not even after staying up with Josh two nights running after Faculty wrapped. Peter gave up and told them to rest up over the weekend. Elijah has sent Sean home to Chris and Allie -- no reason for everyone to hover around him -- but it's quiet and lonely and boring.
He tries putting on his favorite DMX mix loud enough to shake the walls and rocks out for a while. But he's tired enough, just needs to sleep, for fuck's sake.
Waking up for the umpteenth time, Elijah realizes his diaphragm hurts. Hell, his entire chest hurts. He takes a couple of Tylenol and runs himself a hot bath and gets in, and it helps a bit. Wishes he had someone there to fuss over him a little. He misses his mom, but he can't even call, because it's, like, midnight in LA. Yesterday. Weird time zone thing.
Out of the shower, Elijah shrugs his old blue bathrobe on. It's colder here than in LA, even though this is supposed to be New Zealand summer.
Just about when he's going to smash his head against the wall in frustration, Billy shows up with beer and snacks, and Elijah's practically kissing him in relief. They sit around for a bit and shoot the shit, and Elijah beats Billy's ass at Playstation. The hiccups don't seem to slow him down, in that at least. But Elijah craps out while they're watching videos; falls asleep on the couch but keeps waking up.
He tries to send Billy home so he can be miserable alone, but no dice, Billy just smiles and says he's fine.
The next time Elijah wakes up, it's dark. The TV is off and there's just a little reflection from the light in the kitchen. Elijah can feel Billy's hand on his shoulders, rubbing slowly. Elijah lies quietly for a while, relaxed and not thinking about much of anything.
Then it hits him. "I'm not hiccuping! Weee-haaaa!" Billy must have magic fingers. "That's the first good sleep I've had in fucking days." Elijah's sitting up, punching Billy's shoulder and hugging him. "Thanks, man, thank you."
Billy looks a bit startled by the enthusiasm, but laughs and hugs Elijah back. "Can't have you looking like shite just yet, mate."
It's like having his life back. He can work, he can go out, he can sleep. Stuff like that, you don't appreciate it until you don't have it.
Life is great.
Until two weeks later, when it starts again.
In the morning, just after two hours of Feet and makeup, right when he's talking to Pete. Fuck. Elijah leaves the trailer and runs, fucking runs towards the field where Dom and Billy are doing fight training. Billy comes right over, trying to understand while Elijah's alternately panting and hiccuping, and it fucking hurts.
"Oh," says Billy, sympathetically. "Hiccups back?"
Talk about the obvious. Elijah nods, and asks, "Can you rub my back again? Like you did before?" He's skipping to the thing that worked last time.
And it works, sitting on a bench, watching the Orcs go through training. Billy gives him a back massage and after a while, Elijah realizes that he's not hiccuping any more. Fran's voice is telling Billy that she'll have to get him a bonus for "services above and beyond the call of duty" and Elijah just smiles.
He doesn't even kill Dom, very much, when the bastard comes over and screams "Boo!" in his ear.
The next time they start again, they're in a script conference and everyone looks at Elijah as though he's doing it on purpose.
Sean leans over and rubs his back, but it doesn't work.
Fran gives it a try, but that's no good either.
Apparently only Billy can help. Elijah can't quite believe it, but it's true. They they track down Billy at Orli's house, watching a video. It only takes half an hour of Billy's backrubbing before Elijah's hiccups taper off.
Billy must have magic fingers.
Of course, the hiccups come back at the worst possible time. It's late, everyone's cranky, everything that could go wrong did go wrong and they need to wrap it up already. It's hard to look suitably scared of Mordor when you're hiccuping every three seconds and everyone around is cracking up. Elijah's pissed off and about ready to blow his top.
Fran is on the case. She slides Billy behind a rock where he can rub Elijah's leg while they do the lighting, and the camera re-angles to make sure he doesn't show. They finally nail the scene, though Elijah doesn't really stop hiccuping for an hour.
Elijah would feel weirdly indebted to Billy, except that he and Dom treat him exactly the same as before. But it can't go on.
When they come back on a Tuesday night. Elijah thinks he's about to go fucking nuts.
He resists as long as he can.
He's got Feet in five fucking hours and he feels like shit, he's so tired.
Billy's voice on the phone is sleepy but not angry. He's so fucking understanding, it makes Elijah feel even worse.
Elijah lets Billy in. They're both crumpled by the long hours. They need to sleep.
"Couch or bed?" Elijah asks, hoping Billy won't be upset.
"Bed," Billy answers, heading in the right direction.
They tumble in gratefully, and it works. Apparently it's not really massage, it's any kind of contact, because Billy is snoring gently by the time Elijah stops hiccuping.
The phone rings at an ungodly hour, before the alarm even. It's Pete's PA, saying that there was a lorry crash at the site and they should sleep late. Billy barely moves, but Elijah gets up for a piss and a drink of water.
Oh shit, not again.
When Elijah gets back to bed, he tries touching Billy's arm, but that's not enough. He experiments, and discovers there has to be quite a bit of contact before he can stop hiccuping. Billy's hands seem to be required. It would be fucking weird to be spending the rest of his life attached to Billy so he doesn't fucking hiccup.
Elijah's having the greatest damn dream ever. He's on a beach, and Pamela Anderson is giving him an amazing blowjob. Just as he's shooting his load, Elijah realizes that he's in New Zealand, and those are Billy's hands.
Oh. Shit. On a stick.
Elijah knows he's blushing down to his toes. The sun is shining through the window and heating up the room. He looks straight ahead, and wipes himself off with the corner of the sheet. What the hell do you say in this situation? Miss Manners is not a help here. "Um, thank you."
Billy mumbles, "You were hiccuping again," rolls onto his stomach, and starts snoring. He's gone when Elijah wakes up again.
It's funny how long it is until anyone notices. Like not thinking of elephants. Elijah's over the embarrassment and kidding around with the other Hobbits again. They're taking surfing lessons and having a blast. He and Billy are good: friendly and a little more. Shooting's fine, Pete's relaxing, even Fran's stopped hovering.
He hasn't had the hiccups in a month. They're gone, maybe for good.
Elijah thinks that if Billy's fingers are so magical, his mouth must be fucking explosive.
Medical information on hiccups
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